UPDATED: BT Complaint Email, With Added Unicorn Poop


Dear BT minions,

Let me start by giving you an abridged list of all the various ways your service has failed us spectacularly (just the recent ones, I don’t want to be here all day):

We decided, somewhat naively, I will admit, to change our internet supply over to Sky fibre broadband. My partner arranged a day for your Openreach engineers to visit. This was randomly changed. Well, okay. My partner then booked a day off work (remember this bit, it’s important) so he could be around for your mythical engineers to visit. This was yesterday.

My partner waited. And waited. At around three o’clock an engineer called (I am picturing him as a mythical creature now. A unicorn perhaps, or a griffin. I like griffins). He’d already called my partner’s work number (he wasn’t there, having taken the day off to be at home for the engineer, do you see?) and was now calling to say he wasn’t coming. Then he asked if we were a business (we’re not) and then decided, “oh I am coming after all, be there about four-thirty”. Griffins are flighty creatures, apparently.

So my partner waited some more. He was getting quite good at it. At around six o’clock…. Now, at this moment I want you to pause and savour the really quite amazing stupidity of this bit. It’s really good. Remember that because we’re swapping our broadband service to Sky our internet service has been cut off? At around six o’clock my partner received an EMAIL to tell him that the engineer wasn’t coming at all.

Now, luckily my partner has an internet connection on his phone that is, blessedly, not provided by BT. But I ask you, how were we supposed to know? Barry the Engineer Griffin clearly had our phone number, but Barry the Engineer Griffin apparently decided not to call, possibly because he would then have to explain to my partner why exactly he couldn’t be arsed to turn up.

My partner had booked a day off work for this. That’s a day’s holiday. We like holidays. We don’t like spending them waiting for mythical engineers.

Suitably aggrieved, my partner phoned Sky, did the traditional half an hour’s wait on hold, got through to a human (or a unicorn?) and was promptly cut off. He phoned again, did the wait, blah blah, and was eventually told that we could rearrange a visit from Mythical Barry for next Tuesday. Oh! What joy! Only a week without the service we’re paying you for. Well, we did that. I no longer believe Barry the Mythical Engineer exists, but we did it anyway.

And… this is another good bit, so savour it. When my partner got the confirmation email through, he saw that this appointment was actually for next Thursday. Another random day change. Do Griffins have trouble with the days of the week, I wonder?

This is all pretty appalling, obviously, and what’s worse is that when you tell people about this (and I have) no one is remotely surprised. That’s just what BT is like, they say. This pile of steaming, ridiculous nonsense is exactly what everyone expects from you. Amazing, isn’t it?

What I would like to happen now, is for BT to struggle out from beneath the pile of depressing vomit that is the general treatment of your customers and do one of two things for me:
1)      Arrange for Barry the Mythical Engineer to arrive on a Saturday, this Saturday, so we don’t have to waste more of our days off waiting for him to turn up (before he’s distracted by a shiny piece of tin foil or something and wanders off).

2)      Or, tell me exactly how we’re going to be compensated for my partner’s wasted day off, and how you propose to guarantee that Barry or any of his mythical ilk will actually turn up? Seriously? Why on earth should we take a day off when these appointments are not regarded with any seriousness by your staff? When they can’t even be bothered to tell us directly that they’re not going to make it, and are not prepared to offer any sort of explanation as to why?

There has been a cheerful lack of apologies too, while we’re at it, but this surprises me even less, sadly.

So, you could take this opportunity to surprise me (me, and everyone else who has had to deal with you) and address either of my two suggestions above. I invite you, in fact, to make some effort to salvage what is probably already a fairly poisoned relationship. And enable me to watch the second episode of Breaking Bad before some assclown inevitably spoils it for me.


Yours sincerely

Jennifer Williams

Normally a Fan of Mythical Creatures


EDIT UPDATE – Reply from BT:

I originally included this in the comments, but it’s been pointed out to me that I should make it as easy as possible to see how useless BT are being.

So, I got an email from BT this morning… Here is it:


Thanks for getting in touch; we’re really busy at the moment staying match fit following the launch of BT Sport, so it may take us a bit longer than usual to get back to you.

If you’re contacting us to get a piece of the action on Sport the good news is you don’t have to wait! All customers can now order BT Sport online at www.bt.com/sport you’ll be match fit in no time.

You’ll also find our most common questions about BT Sport on the following link


If you’ve got a question about your account or bill, the good news is you will probably find the answer you need at http://bt.custhelp.com/app/hub/c/761
by using the search facility.

If you still need to get in touch please reply to this email, and we’ll be in touch as soon as possible.

Best Wishes

eCustomer Services Team”

I think we can basically read that as “Wow isn’t sport great? That’s probably what you’re asking about isn’t it? We totally didn’t read your email, but everything’s probably fine now. Bye forever.”

Clearly this is a generic reply popped out by the great customer service spawnometer, but if that is the case why wasn’t it instant? It’s taken about a day to arrive. Do we think anyone read my email? Did they really read it and think “Yes! Sports query! Piece of piss.”

Let me count all the flying fucks I give about your sports coverage, BT. No, wait, I’m counting. Yep. Yep.
No wait, there are none. No fucks were given.

UPDATE EDIT: Here’s my reply… How likely do we think a useful response is at this stage? 21/08/13


Dear BT minions (or BT Customer Service Robot, I suppose)

Why no, your bizarre email about sport does not answer my query. I could write you a short list of things I care about even less than sport, but it would be a very short list indeed, and I’m sure you would reply with an email about something else excitingly irrelevant, like table lamps or sushi (I find both table lamps and sushi both infinitely more interesting than sport, at least).

So, instead I’ll give you a little recap of my questions that, yes, still need answering:

1) What happened to Barry the Mythical Engineer? Why didn’t he turn up? Why did he lose the ability to use a phone?

2) Why did you choose to email us when you knew our internet was down?

3) How do you propose to compensate my partner for his lost holiday day?

4) What guarantee do we have that one of these mythical engineers will actually turn up? Do I need to leave out some carrots or Turkish Delight to attract them, like a reindeer or Mr Tumnus?

5) Apparently it takes you up to 5 to 10 days to reply to these emails. Are you emailing us from Neptune? I understand that subspace can play havoc with your internet connection. Not that I would know since I don’t have one.

I eagerly await your answers, and news of Barry.

Oh, and well done on the bizarre logic of your last email that manages to suggest both that you will be emailing me and that it is likely I will never hear from you again. I wonder which it will be.

Yours sincerely

Jennifer Williams

Not a Sports Fan

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